AFFRRRRICAAA!

HEAR ME NOW!! - You is probably thinking why is Ali doing comic relief, well me not only agreed to do it cos me thought me was gonna get a free trip to see me brothas in Africa; and while me was there maybe score some Botswanan home-grown. Now check dis - Africa ain't just the country that gave us Bob Marley. I seen some documentaries about it and there's some terrible images dat's been left in me mind. Especially tribes women with well droopy tits all swingin' - one babylon there and one tombola down there. With your help we can stop these shocking things now. A donation of just five pounds will buy these people a bra, whilst a donation of thousands might just be enough for a tit job. But if you people out there can't really be arsed to give over your cash money, you probably think I well sorry for me brethren out there and all dat, but me worked well 'ard for me dollars and me ain't giving it to no-one, especially dem lot sitting on their battys in the sun. Twenty quid's probably enough for a whole year's supply of fresh water for some African geezer but it's enough to get me an eighth of skunk!

CHECK DIS! Friday night there's gonna be a lot of people who ain't in, so why not drive over to their houses, get in through a window and make a donation on their behalf! Don't go nicking stuff on any other night, cos in some circumstances, theft can be illegal. By the way, if you do make a donation, I personally guarantee that not a penny of the money that you send to Lenny Henry will go towards feeding his missus.

Now really big it up for me guests tonight - every boy wants to be in his boots and every man wants to be in his missus. Big up for none other than Victoria and David Beckham!

(Victoria and David appear on the stage and join Ali on the plush white sofas. Hand-shakes and greetings follow.)

(To David) Now, just because its comic relief doesn't mean you can speak in a silly voice. (To both) Now where did you two meet?

We met at the football.

Now Beckham, what did you think of the Spice Girls before that?

Erm? (bashful mumble)

For real! So had you already seen a picture of her and knocked one out?

What? (Wide-eyed Coughing)

What about that picture of her in the black pants with the slit in her dress that come up well high? Apparently that picture if you look really close you can actually see a tiny bit of camel tuft?

(Pure shock from the Beckhams as the audience erupts into laughter)

Now B, what's it like actually going out with Posh? It must be amazing going out with a Spice Girl, but in an ideal world and - no disrespect to your bitch - in an ideal world wouldn't you have rather be with Baby?

No!

(Ali goes on to ask them why they got married only to have the question turned back on him by a defensive Posh.)

Are you going to propose to your Julie?

Has she been speaking to you before?

(Motioning backstage) Out there she was saying "You've got to get him to propose to me."

That's why she's out there. I heard that you two got married for the extra benefits - is that true? You thought with a little nipper coming along you'd get a little bit more cash?

Well that probably had something to do with it.

So what does you two do together on a night in?

We're pretty normal. We like sort of getting in and you know, watching a video, a take-away, that kind of thing - your video actually!

Aiii, For real! Now does you go to watch him play football?

Yeah I do. Whenever I can. I like watching him play.

Now there's a really insulting song that they sing about you. Have you heard it? What is the words?

I can't repeat that really, it's pretty insulting.

(To David) But have you heard it?

No I haven't heard it.

Well what is it?

Well I heard something, is it about you taking it up..

Oh yeah yeah, ok... It's Posh Spice... (leans forward and silently mouths "takes it up the arse")

(Loudly) So you take it up the arse!

No!

That ain't an insult, that is the biggest compliment you can get!

Your just saying that cos you're a bit of a batty boy yourself.

(Leaning back in his chair) You is crossing dangerous territory! All I can say is that I wish they would sing that about me Julie. Nah but serious, do you take it up the arse?

Of course I don't.

(To David) So you telling me you ain't never been caught offside?

No!

Cos I heard you was well good at getting round the back and bending your balls in.

That the way he bends it, I have to say!

Little bit of a different vibe to Parkinson eh!

Now Beckham? You play football yeah, is it sometimes embarrassing having a shower next to all them reeeally big men?

No cos I'm one of them.

(Big 'Oooohhhh' from the audience)

Now before you go into the showers, so you ain't embarrassed, do you sometimes give yourself a semi?

No I don't.

Not even a bit of a shake? Or other things that would work? So who is da biggest in the shower?

I can't say that.

Then who is the smallest?

(Laughs)

Is I looking at him?

I think you look pretty small sitting from here so you better get it out!

I don't wanna say this, but it's so big that the BBC wouldn't allow me to get it out, because it's so big - even if you've got widescreen.. (To Victoria) Can you get him to get it out? (Turning to a blushing Beckham) For Comic Relief? Will - You - Get it out?

(The crowd's roar reaches fever pitch)

For charity!

Not even for charity! I'm sorry.

(The ladies in the crowd give a wistful sigh.)

Now Beckham, does you reckon the better the footballer you is, the fitter the girl you go out with?

Yes!

You is the best at football, ya know. So you get Posh. So does Sporty Spice go out with someone from Scunthorpe United?

Oi! That's my friend and she's lovely.

Exactly! Why? Is you tryin to say Scunthorpe is not a good team?

(Crowd goes wild)

Mind you I heard a rumour she goes out with someone from a netball team. Aiiiight! I'd like to watch dat! (Ali, changing the subject to the Beckham family) You is got a little nipper. Do you reckon you is good parents?

Yes I think so.

So when did you teach him to roll his first spliff?

I would never teach him that.

Why not? You should never deny a kid education.

Education?

Alright lets not get into the discussion. So, what's he called?

Brooklyn.

How d'you come up with that name?

Well, we found out that I was pregnant while I was on tour in America and we was in Brooklyn at the time.

For real? So has you actually done it there?

No we didn't do it there, we did it in Denmark, if you really want to know.

How come you didn't call him Denmark?

It didn't have the same kind of, you know?

That would be a well good idea though what, cos if me and me Julie had a kid, we'd call him Langley Village. His full name would be "The bogs in KFC in Langley Village!"

(Crowd loving it)

So tell me, does Brooklyn like your music, or is he getting a bit old for it now?

Well yeah, he does like music, he jigs about and dances. He's also into football as well, so it's nice.

Respect, respect. So how old is Brooklyn now?

He's nearly 2.

So tell me, is your little boy starting to put whole sentences together?

He's learning the bits and pieces, so yeah.

And what about Brooklyn?

(Crowd goes wild)

Is you all contented he'll grow up to be a normal kid?

Brooklyn?

For real.

Yeah. Yeah I think so, I mean obviously it's going to be difficult for him, but umm..

Cos he is called Brooklyn?

You're called Ali and that's a girl's name - do you find it difficult?

Ali is very much a boy's name!

But you know, I think we will kind of bring him up as normal as we can.

So tell me, do you want him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, or a singer - like Mariah Carey?

Yeah, I'd like him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, and I'd like to grow up to be a singer like Mariah Carey!

Now Posh, I know a lot of people will laugh at this, but is you really posh?

I'm not, I got that name because I'd just started as a Spice Girl, you know, Emma was dressed like a baby, Mel C was sporty and I'm like, nice clothes and so I got called Posh, but I'm not really.

Me heard you was so Posh that you had to be got married before you was pregnant.

No I didn't.

(Ali, miming a bump) But before it came up.

I got pregnant?

Before? Or was it after?

I got married after I had a baby.

Respects! It's wrong to do it before. What do you think it is that makes a girl posh?

I don't know, I mean what makes anybody posh. I don't know I'm not really posh. I just like wearing nice clothes and going to nice restaurants and that's how I got called posh. You're pretty posh with all your gold on and all your glitter.

For real - Ali! Ah-lee Posh! Me always feel that a posh girl was one that won't go all the way on the first night. You know, only gives you the top half. (Turning to David) So tell me exactly how posh was she on the first night?

She was posh for about four months.

Four months? I tell you, me Julie started off well posh, but after about half an hour, she was well common! Now David, if I can call you that, cos I never met you before, David, they say posh people talk like they've got a plum in their mouth. Does your missus sound posh when she's got your plums in her mouth?

(Crowd erupts and David chokes with laughter)

What was you coughing up then?

(David can only silently stare and meets Ali's eyes for a couple of seconds)

Ahh, you were trying to communicate something then to me, I think (does 'psychic look' as he touches his temples).

He was gonna say that you're not actually meant to speak when you've got your mouthful so you wouldn't actually have that problem.

Respect! So you say you have to have manners whatever you're doing? Now you is well rich right?

Yep!

Respect! How big is your house?

It's a nice house, it's nice, it's a big house. But it's a very family, you know, very nice family house.

You actually got a spare bedroom and everything?

Yes.

Is you so rich that sometimes you got someone to cook your meals?

Nah.

I do that.

David's a good cook.

Alright, for real! But what if right, will you donate a million quid to charity?

No.

We can't do that.

We thought we'd do what you said earlier and break into someone's house for Comic Relief.

What about breaking into your own house?

Nothing to nick in our house.

Come on Beckham, will you do it?

No!

Come on, don't be stingy. There's brothers out there dying and shit - come on! That's like a week's work for you.

I've got an idea.

We don't earn as much as everyone thinks. To donate a million pounds would be very hard for us.

I've got an idea what you can do for Comic Relief, right. Why don't you take your hat off and show the audience how long your hair's got, then shave it off for Comic Relief!

I cannot take my hat off... my dreads will be everywhere. It's like the Tardis in here! So much dreads that have been stuck in here. It cannot be taken off seriously. So they is some people who suddenly get loads of money who become very tasteless. How has you two managed to avoid that?

I don't know, I'm sure we're wearing things that some people look at and think they are tasteless.

No. (To audience) They is looking well nice and that, what? Very nice with the, er thing on the top. And that is made out of leather. Is that real leather? (goes to feel her chest).

Yes.

That's nice. And nice boots. (To David) But you ain't got a vest on and you know your belly button is showing.

(Some guy in the audience says 'Yeah and he needs cufflinks as well!!')

(Ali, not impressed) You what?

(Guy in the audience says 'He needs some cufflinks!')

Are you on crack?

(Crowd erupts into laughter and the guy in the audience is promptly humiliated)

(To David) Sorry about that. I think a lot of people who have just got rich go out and spend their money recklessly on things like investments and their kids' education when they could more wisely buy stuff that will always be valuable like very trendy clothes, holidays and haircuts. You agree?

Exactly!

Respect! Now there is rumours that you used to suffer from an eating disorder. Tell me, was you actually dyslexic?

I've never actually been dyslexic and I've never actually been anorexic either, so that's just rumours.

Is you hoping to put on more weight, I mean obviously you don't want to go as far as Sporty Spice.

I think my friend looks lovely and I think it's a shame how nowadays people do judge you so much by how much you weigh and what you look like. Any woman knows women's weight goes up and down.

For real.

Same as blokes do really. The thing is that the media make too much issue of it.

That is true. And me wanna say that for the ladies out there, increase your butty crease, you know. Pump up your rump! Put your rocks in your buttocks - that one didn't work quite as well!! But you know what I'm saying.

I know what you're saying.

It's good to hold on to some serious bit of flesh. Isn't that right? Now Beckham, you is well handsome, you know, I ain't being batty or whatever. So this may be a difficult question to answer, but does you shag around a lot?

No I don't sleep around a lot.

Oh right, so just a bit?

No, not at all.

Now has you lot ever been to Staines?

No I've never been to Staines, is it nice?

It is the most beautiful place! But how's about tomorrow night, you both come round me gaff, after about nine, cos that's when me nan goes to bed. You up for that?

Yeah.

Then we'll get me Julie round, we could eat something, maybe some Angel Delight, get a little bit lashed and and we'll have a bath, would you be up for that?

Might not fit in the bath if you're as big as you reckon mate hey!

Respect. Tell you what, so come on, we could all get jiggy - have a four header! You'd be well into that what - all headers and volleys aiiight!

No, I don't think so.

Oohhh, Posh Spice. Now you was in a band called the Spice Girls right. What ever happened to them?

The Spice Girls at the moment, you know, have all got solo careers that we're working on. We've all got families though we're still the Spice Girls and we've got an album out at the moment. But we're working on our own thing.

Well we love the Spice Girls, we love dat track what, "Never ever have I ever?" (breaking into All Saints) Sing-a-long! Sing-a-long!

You like that?

That was bad enough, that was phat. So it must have been tough at the beginning though, it wasn't all successful to start with.

That's the one thing about the Spice Girls - we worked really really hard, we had to work so hard.

There must have been times before you lot was loaded, when you had to share a hotel room together, just one little bed, probably didn't have enough money for proper blankets, or even pyjamas. You'd have to cuddle up close, all in the bath with one sponge?

It wasn't anything like that, I'm really sorry.

But me bet the pizza boy come round and sometimes you didn't have the cash, and you gotta pay for it somehow. And then you got to pay for the washing machine and you don't have the money for that, and then the hoover geezer comes and you've used the hoover and all that.

No, I'm sorry.

What, not even the hoover? Ok, let's talk about a bit of this, right - there is a lot of stuff linking the Spice Girls with the occult and devil worship.

What's that?

Well you know, devils they're like nasty peoples, you know?

Yeah I know, but what are the people who worship them, what are they called?

The Occult. Me mate Dave played one of your records backwards, and it sounded loads better.

Are you sure that was the Spice Girls and not (silently mouths 'All Saints')

And not??

(Laughing) So you reckon they sounded better?

For real. Their's is something real going on there, what!(To David) Now you is being real quiet there in the corner. Now don't think, I mean, now this ain't like a classroom where if you keep your head down, I won't ask you questions. You sitting there like, you know, I seen you hiding behind that lady! Now why do you think you is a pin-up for so many gaylords? I'm not gonna call them batty boys now cos me is politically correct. I mean just because you wear skirts, have a suntan and a skinhead, talk like a girl and hang out with Elton John. So how does it feel about being the picture for batty men?

You tell me.

I don't know how you feels.

That's cos you're a batty man yourself anyway.

Lucky I ain't carrying me Uzis on me. Now you know like you two are copying each other, like when he has a tattoo, you have a tattoo; when you do a booksigning, he does a booksigning. So tell me, when he shaved off all his hair, did you do the same?

No, I didn't shave off all my hair.

Is that true Beckham?

Course it is.

(To Victoria) Now seriously now, me heard you recently had a disease of the head call Mingingitus.

I had viral meningitis.

That is well bad, so did Sporty catch the Mingingitus? I heard she got it well bad. I heard she got a bad case of it.

Nobody else got meningitis, only me.

For real. Now what's it like being such a famous couple.

Well you know, we just like any couple, David you know, gets on with his football and I get on with my singing.

Are the press always trying to take pictures of you? Does you have a lot of trouble with the Pepperami?

Yeah I mean, well obviously we do get a certain amount of press trying to take photos of us, but you know, we keep to ourselves when we can.

Beckham, you must have been well heavy when you saw them pictures in OK! of you making spaghetti in you kitchen what? I mean, how did they get in there? They must got decent lenses, they got you when you were looking right into them.

No, that was an organised shoot, but some of the others are not looking at the camera.

(To Beckham in a loosely buttoned shirt) Do you know that your belly button is showing?

I think it looks nice. Don't you?

(To David) Well, if I had to do it with a man, it might as well be you! Like, if someone said dey was gonna nuke the whole of Staines, unless you, you know, ball Beckham? It's Staines man, you know, like me nan as well. But you to me, right! If you had to ball a man, who would it be?

Ummmm, probably you!

You can only say that when you is so confident about your sexuality. So now, Beckham, lets talk about fashion? We has all seen pictures of you wearing clothes that was well embarrassing and make you proper laughing stock! Why do you wear that England football shirt?

I don't think it's embarrassing, I'm very proud.

Be patriotic for goodness sake.

I is, listen, if Jamaica's playing. (To David) Do you hope one day to play for America?

I'm very proud to play for England, do you know what I mean. The results haven't really been very good over the last year or two, but...

Keeping on the fashion - What's the name of that dress that you wore.

Sarong.

Yeah I know it was so wrong.

Didn't you like it?

Yeah I do, (To David) but has Posh ever said to you, don't stick it up there, that sarong one?

No she's never ever said that to me.

Now me gotta say, the obvious thing for the rest of the audience here and the country, is that we would love to see you to ball each other. How's about right now for comic relief?

I'm posh, I don't do that kind of thing!

Come on, lets see your red nose. You ain't doin' it?

Why don't you get your Julie out here and you know, you?

(To David) Can I ball your missus?

(Blushing) No.

(To David) Can I ball you?

Course you can.

Somehow I don't think the BBC would allow that to go on the telly - me going into your danger area.

Anyway, we just wanna say good luck with everything - being parents, being the footballer, being the singer. Respect to both of you for coming along. You both is looking fine! I gotta say, Please! Big it up for the main couple in England - POSH AND BECKS!!